Britain has never been more patriotic. You can tell because the patriots never stop telling you how destroyed it is. Here is your complete step-by-step guide to loving Britain the Tommy Robinson way.
Step 1: Send money to a man you have never met who is richer than you.
Not a lot of money. You don't have a lot of money. But enough. A tenner here. Twenty quid there. Set up a recurring donation if you really believe. He has raised millions this way, from people on universal credit, people with heating bills they cannot pay, people who are genuinely struggling and have decided that the reason they are struggling is not the mortgage fraudster in Benidorm asking for their direct debit details.
He is not struggling. He is in Benidorm.
Step 2: Describe yourself as awake.
You have done your research. You have watched the documentaries. You have seen things the mainstream media will not show you. You have read things they tried to bury. You know things your neighbours do not know yet, though you are working on them.
Your research consists primarily of YouTube videos, Telegram channels, a website that was set up in 2019 and has no named authors and a man in a polo shirt shouting into a camera from a sun lounger somewhere warm.
When a Spanish city on the coast of Africa was relocated to northern Spain by a news caption, several million people shared it inside a day. Nobody checked a map. That is the research.
You are the most informed person you know. You know this because everyone who disagrees with you is either asleep or paid to lie.
There is an older method. It involves sitting with a thing until you understand it, and it has never once trended.
Step 3: Attend a march. Film yourself attending the march. Post the film. Watch the replies. Feel, for the first time in a long time, like you belong to something.
This part is important to understand because it explains almost everything else.
The march is loud and it is full of people who are angry about the same things you are angry about and who will cheer when you cheer and who make you feel like your anger is not only valid but heroic. This feeling is real. The belonging is real. The sense of purpose is real.
What is also real: twenty-six police officers injured. Mosques and Sikh temples attacked by people who attended the same marches. A Syrian schoolboy whose life was made a misery by a mob that was pointed at him by the man you follow. A movement that has left every town it has visited worse than it found it.
But the belonging felt real. That part is true.
There is another way to belong to something. It takes about four minutes in a village hall and nobody films it.
Step 4: Call everyone who disagrees with you a paedophile-enabler.
Anyone who questions the movement, questions the methods, questions the man or questions the facts is enabling child abuse. They are part of the cover-up. There is no other explanation for disagreement. There is no good-faith position on the other side. There is only your side and the side that wants children to be harmed.
This makes debate impossible, which is the point. It also means you never have to engage with a single uncomfortable fact about the man you have given your money and your identity to.
It is a very elegant system, if you do not think about what it does to people.
Step 5: Become an expert in grooming gangs, boats in the Channel, the religion of 1.8 billion people, the internal workings of the deep state and the precise details of every crime committed by a foreign national, while remaining entirely uncurious about mortgage fraud, bankruptcy proceedings, unpaid tax bills and court injunctions.
Some things are worth investigating. Some things are not worth your time.
You have a sophisticated and well-developed instinct for which is which.
Step 6: Post the memes.
They will feature eagles. They will feature lions. They will feature knights in armour who were Catholic, illiterate and dead by forty, presented without irony as symbols of a golden age that is being destroyed. They will feature AI-generated crowds with faces that do not quite work and flags that are somehow upside down despite being generated by a computer that was specifically asked to make a flag.
Add "THIS" or "EXACTLY THIS" and seven flag emojis. Do not add any further comment. The meme has said everything. You are merely amplifying it.
Share it to people in Ohio who will agree with you. This is international solidarity. When other people do it, it is foreign interference.
Step 7: Discover that the man you follow is funded by the world's richest person, advised by American think tanks, potentially connected to Gulf money and based, when not in prison, somewhere in continental Europe.
You should conclude that this is fine.
He is fighting the globalists. It does not matter that he is funded by a global network of billionaires and foreign interests. What matters is that he says the things you feel. The funding is irrelevant. The sources do not matter. The money is clean because it is going to the right cause.
The Thailand-based crypto billionaire funding Reform is also fine, by the way. All of this is fine.
Five million of it went undeclared. He gave up the seat rather than face a suspension, then asked for it back.
Step 8: Be furious about grooming gangs. Be equally furious about any serious, properly resourced, government-led inquiry into grooming gangs.
You want justice. You want accountability. You want the truth.
You do not want a patient, methodical, evidence-based process that might take two years and produce a thousand-page report that is complicated and does not have a simple villain and requires the state to examine its own failures across police forces, social services and local government over several decades.
You want it now. You want it loud. You want it pointed at one community and you want it resolved by teatime.
Justice, but faster and angrier and with fewer facts getting in the way.
Step 9: Tell people to leave Britain if they do not like it. Also tell people that Britain is a broken, corrupt, destroyed, gone, finished, occupied country that is beyond saving unless something drastic happens immediately.
Hold both of these thoughts simultaneously. They are both true. Do not examine the tension between them.
Britain is paradise and anyone who criticises it should get out.
Britain is a smouldering ruin and the people responsible should face consequences you decline to specify precisely but gesture at meaningfully.
You love Britain. You love it so much you spend every waking hour telling everyone how destroyed it is. This is patriotism. The other kind, the kind that acknowledges what works, what has been built and what is worth defending through democratic means, that is naivety at best and treason at worst.
Step 10: When he is arrested, convicted, imprisoned, fined, injuncted or declared bankrupt, conclude that this proves everything.
Not that he broke the law. Not that the courts found against him on the evidence. Not that five separate prison sentences might suggest a pattern of behaviour rather than a pattern of persecution.
It proves the system is corrupt. It proves they are afraid of him. It proves he is over the target. Every conviction is a badge. Every sentence is a martyrdom. Every debt unpaid is a blow struck against the establishment.
You should send more money, because he will be in touch from somewhere sunny.
Bonus:
Change your profile picture to a lion, tell three strangers to wake up before lunch and misspell sovereignty in your bio. He cannot spell it either.
Patriots, the lot of them.
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5 comments
Reform voters will not only have problems with the number of words in the post, but also with the fact that many are pollysyballic. Oops sorry Reform voters that means big words.
thanks for all your work.
Unfortunately reform voters won’t actually read this, as it has too many words for them. If only they did.
Nice thank you
You are too hard on people who will not get the irony in any of this. They will probably think Robinson wrote it.